so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
