There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
