Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
