I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
