Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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