Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
