For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
