I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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