You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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