when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
