Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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