My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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