I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
