The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
