im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You're like the curious george of whores
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
