i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
