i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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