the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
