My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize