If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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