you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
