you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
