I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
