i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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