I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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