: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
