People in love make me want to vomit
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
