I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
