Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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