So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
