Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
