dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
