Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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