Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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