Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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