he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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