In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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