Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
A+ Viking dick
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
