i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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