i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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