Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
