im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
