You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
