theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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