My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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