i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
