I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
