While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
