i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
