I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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