my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
