Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
