I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
