I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
