life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
two words...techno handjob
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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