Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
