mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
