I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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