The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
