too bad you live with your parents still
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
