Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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