He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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