Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
