His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
