During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
