dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
