Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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