i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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