my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
