i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
