I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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