Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
